Every Time I Get Close, I Learn Why I Shouldn’t Have

I don’t even know when it began — this cycle of hope, connection, disappointment, repeat. Maybe it started the first time someone made me believe I mattered, only to slowly back away when I started believing it.

It always begins the same way.

They smile a little extra, remember the small things I say, text back quickly at first, and laugh a little too easily around me. And for a moment, it feels like maybe — just maybe — this could be something real. So I start letting my guard down, bit by bit, like peeling off armor I’ve worn for years. I start sharing more, caring more, and in return, expecting something that matches the effort.

But then, without warning, things change.

The replies come slower. The eye contact shorter. The warmth begins to fade like it was never there. Suddenly, I feel like I’m the only one still standing on the bridge we built together, wondering when they walked off without saying a word.

And I always ask myself — was it me? Was I too much? Too honest? Too hopeful?

But deep down, I know it’s not just about me. It’s about how easily people play with connections these days, how comfortable they are with temporary emotions and half-truths. For them, it’s all part of life — people come, people go. But for me, it’s not that simple.

For me, every broken connection is a reminder that trust is a luxury I can’t afford. That behind every smile might be a hidden truth, and behind every “I care” might be an expiration date I’ll never see coming.

I wish I could just float through this world like them — unattached, unshaken. But I feel everything too deeply. I carry every goodbye like a weight, every lie like a cut that takes too long to heal.

So now, when someone starts to get close, I flinch. I expect the mask to fall off, the intentions to change, the silence to replace conversations. I look for the red flags before I even see the green lights. I start preparing for the exit before the journey even begins.

And that’s the worst part — not the loneliness. I’ve made peace with that.

It’s the fact that I no longer believe in people the way I used to.

Because every time I get close to someone, they teach me all over again why I shouldn’t have.